"Oh, I know how they will react and what they will say. They always behave the same way; there is really no point in bringing it up."
In the course of my day I hear this phrase far too frequently and it is patently untrue and an unfortunate mindset to have for a couple of important reasons.
First and foremost and far as I am concerned, no one has the ability to accurately foretell the future so saying that you know what someone will say is simply not true.
Let me explain in more detail the potential negative impact of this statement and the possible reasons why someone would say such a thing.
Firstly, it is a negative statement and implies a negative outcome...generally not cool.
The second negative aspect of this statement is that nobody learns anything from this stalemate. In effect both parties remain ignorant also not cool.
So what could be the motivation behind the belief that you know how someone would react and see the whole exercise as futile.
Here are some possible reasons that may underpin that belief:
1. The individual does not believe that they have the skills to have the conversation in the first place. The good news is that the skills can be easily learnt and implemented.
2. The person does not care enough about the person to want to have the conversation. This may seem like an unusual reason for not sharing the insight however when a person is more concerned about the negative reaction they believe the insight will have then it is also reasonable to conclude that you may be more interested in protecting the person than genuinely sharing your insights regarding their own personal and professional development.
Maybe the issue is more about you than it is them!
3. They have had a negative experience before with this person. Well that is also like saying that because you have had a painful experience before in a relationship that every future relationship will also go this way. Once again this is a negative mindset predicated on one previous experience. Not fair on you or the individual in question.
4. You may just get a successful outcome and the person actually acknowledges your insight and changes a previously disruptive and unhelpful behaviour. Amazingly, some people are frightened as much if not more of being successful with an outcome as they then believe that there is more pressure on them being successful going forward.
Some people prefer not to have expectations placed on themselves by self and others...strange but true.
5. The discussion will be worse than what I imagined and they will confront me over my comments which will leave me embarrassed and powerless going forward in my own mind and in the mind of my colleagues.
Fact is, that may happen, as I certainly cannot predict the future and advise you of what their exact response will be. What I can assure you is that the more you practice the skill of giving people feedback the better you get at dealing with confrontation because you learn from every experience and refine your skills until you are competent in all scenarios and your confidence in your skill is palpable to others. They sense your lack of fear and sense your courage and desire to engage.
6. The individual doesn't want to create waves or a fuss between themselves and the individual in question.
This is an interesting one because once again it is predicated on an assumption that the person will create a fuss over the information and in some way will be uncomfortable with it. Again another assumption, and for the record speaking personally I find that the feedback that I get that focuses on what a person would like to see me change is so much more beneficial than continually being told what I do well.
I believe I grow more from learning what I can do to improve as opposed to a continual reinforcement of what I already have an aptitude for.
So then, next time you catch yourself thinking that there is no point in upsetting someone with feedback designed to help them grow ask yourself this question:
Why am I withholding this information from them and who is the issue really about? Or do I have a genuine desire to help them become a more complete person?
Go on, back yourself in and tell it how it is...respectfully!
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